The Mamacita Diaries

So far, no water breaking. Still having contractions though. We'll see...

So today I FINALLY got through to this woman, Sherilyn, whose program I found on Craigslist and took interest. She is starting a Creative Movement for Children program through her dance school. She wants to add theater and performing arts to her program, and get some insight on non-profit programs. I have a meeting with her next wednesday which I am VERY excited about, as I know a lot about everything she is interested in pursuing and I am longing to have a job I can continue after the baby is born.

It's no secret that my entire life, I have been fond of working with children. I loved directing, teaching, even just stage make-up and building sets. I love the whole process, and I love when kids get as excited about it as I do even more. Will I be rich trying to follow the path of non profit programs for kids? No. But I'd be damn happy doing something I love as my day job, while still being able to pursue my music career in the evenings. I'll be one busy mama, that's for sure! But I'll delight in every minute of it.

I'm truly hoping this happens. I've wanted so badly to get back in the theater game, and without all the petty bullshit of working with Avian slurping adult idiots. (No offense to my friends in theater- but you've GOT to admit there is far too much snobbery involved with the pro groups!) I love teh innocence of children, and how much they light up when they've put everything they've got into a show.

Here's hoping I can get this moving! Also, here's hoping that Sherilyn digs what I have to say. =)

On the homeland front, Jared and I are performing at a songwriter's series tonight. We wrote a song yesterday about racial intolerance in the 1950's. Our theme was "by the lake". (Don't worry; the song does infact have the words "by the lake" in it, AND the story all takes place...well, by the lake. We just made it more interesting.) After that we have the 4th off to do as we please, then Saturday I'm at the duck while he's at Spruce Street. Should be a long weekend!

Oh and also- I'm 16 weeks pregnant today. The doc checked the baby out yesterday and everything is going super well. Perfect heartbeat of 144, and my weight is great. 2 more weeks and we have the final word on gender!

To say I've sprouted is an understatement. Actually, my new userpic looks like I'm much bigger than I am, due to the fact that the pic was taken at an angle, and I'm wearing jammie pants that don't really fit anymore. I am almost 4 months, and am finally gaining back weight. When I found out I was pregnant I was already more than I should weigh, but then I lost 10 pounds in the first trimester. Now I've gained about 3 lbs back, and it's ALL in my boobs and lower belly area. (Jared is of course thrilled about the first part.) I'm going to go with Jared to the gym every day for the month of July. He is going so he can feel "in shape" for our wedding, I am going so I can be healthy AND keep the baby healthy. Cardio is suppossedly perfect for preggos', because it helps prevent nasty vericose veins and keeps that nutrient filled blood flowing for the littlest Adams.

So Jared and I will know in less than 3 weeks whether or not it's a boy or a girl. I think it's a boy, but then again, I thought it was a girl before too, so who really knows? I only lean more towards the "boy" side, because of all the movement and the iron heavy foods I'm craving. I felt movement very early on, which "what to expect" said was a sign of lots of testosterone. Also Bri (my bro's lady, who is also preggers) had a dream that our two little boys were playing together. (She had an ultrasound which revealed hers IS infact, male.) Not to mention when I use the doppler, (a tool to hear the heartbeat) the baby likes to punch it. =) A sure sign he's got some of that Herrera aggressiveness my bro and dad have. Then again, I have it too...so yeah, who knows? =P

To change the subject for a bit (for everyone who's NOT pregnant and is probably bored by now), things with F&H are sort of in flux right now. We're planning on hitting the studio right after the wedding, but money is tight, and I'm nervous about what we'll have left after covering our bills and not working for over a week. I think perhaps my husband to be may be over estimating how much we'll actually get for the wedding, too. I guess we'll see. Either way, we scored a sweet cabin in Maine for a whole week FREE for our honeymoon. I'm so looking forward to the escape!

So last but not least, I'm taking a poll. I'm trying to see how many people think we're having either a boy or a girl. Please do leave your guess in a comment!

So my dad is in ICU in California for his heart trouble, and not doing well. I've sort of been waiting for this to happen, but as always when you "prepare yourself" for something, you're never really prepared. He's suppossedly stable. (Yeah, so stable they can't take him out of ICU or remove the medication that's keeping his heart from croaking, and they had to jump start him twice with pedals.) All I know is I need to get over there ASAP. Unfortunately I am poor as hell, and still have bills to pay once I get paid on Monday. Jared snagged us the Duck gig on Thanksgiving, and he is letting me keep all the money for a plane ticket. I'm pretty lucky to have such a supportive boyfriend. Also he is covering my Monday at the Duck while I'm gone. I only hope I can get out there before anything gets worse. I wish I could leave tonight honestly- I'm so worried.

So to be cheerier for a moment we had our Thanksgiving with our friends yesterday. For those of you who couldn't come- we missed you! It went really well, everyone had an amazing time, and it was great to see everyone. I got to play Auntie too, which was nice. Bri and Dave's chillin's are wonderful and made everyone in the room cheer at the sight of them. I'm trying to remember- like Rev. Sarah mentioned today in church- for the things I do have. I'm trying to remember to be happy when I say thank you, for eveything and everyone I do have close by. I love my friends and family, and I don't think I've ever wanted to be around anyone more than them right now- except of course my dad.

So I'm at work again, and I'm amazed how many people have been rude to me so far. How hard is it to sign a board with your name and take a visitor badge? Some guy was even swearing at me in spanish and thought I wouldn't understand him. I quickly answered with "Sir we don't like that kind of language here...in ANY language!" I was so mad. He was beyond rude - and in front of his children. What an example for the youth of america, let me tell you.
Man, I am sick to death of staying in one place. I wish I had the money to go on the road now. I'd BRING the promo packages to these people personally. I admit, I'm nervous about people not giving us the chance. But, I'm also hoping that once people hear how good our music is that they'll want to book us anyway, even though we haven't exactly toured "fo' real" yet.
I'm so excited for the chance to prove ourselves as musicians. This project is the best one I've ever been involved with, and I finally feel like I'm doing something I want with my life. Once I have a little money saved I'm going to take more time off of work too, so I can promote us better. I'm used to dealing with people on a day to day basis, so I'm good at the phone calls and emails part.
I'm hoping I'll be able to visit with my friend Stef soon too. She just had her new baby! I can't wait to bring him presents and hold him! I think it will help how I've been feeling lately. (If you're on my friends list you know what I'm talking about.)

I guess that's all. Only 3 more boring hours to go. Lovely.

So on top of everything else that has happened this month (medical issues, Jared's dog dying etc.) yesterday I got into a car accident and my nissan was totalled. I called the insurance company only to find they cancelled me due to non payment back in October. Long story short - I've been running around for two days trying to fix this, only to end with a result of THEY fucked up my address info, haven't sent me any bills or a cancellation notice, and because they fucked up, I'm screwed, and they won't cover me. So I went to the Insurance Commission today and they're sending me the paperwork to file a complaint, and they say that the insurance should cover me, and they'll try to help me, but at this point I just don't know. Everything that's happened this month is wearing on me, and I feel like I don't have the energy to deal with life. All I want is to crawl into a hole until this all blows over, but as usual I don't have a choice. I just have to keep on trucking until the "battle is over" and I'm okay.

fuck it. I just don't care anymore.

So I'm at work in the computer room, which means nothing too personal, as these kids are all mega nosey and always looking at the screen. I'm so bored, and Jared and I have to go to a rehearsal tonight for Christmas Eve choir at his old church in Brimfield. I'm so not in the mood to go, but I don't know any of the music they're doing and I need to learn it.
Things with Jared and I have been really great lately. I'm back to my old self again which is really refreshing, and he's been in a much better mood too- now that I'm not depressed and we've both had time towork out different family crisis'. We've also been spending QT together a lot which always makes me cheerful. I love how much we laugh together. (Also that I'm completely crazy most of the time and he's right there with me. lol.) We just wrote two new awesome songs, and we might be playing the duck regularly on Sundays if this gig we have on New Years Eve goes well. I absolutely LOVE making music with him. This is by far the best act I've ever been involved with, and our sound is really getting strong.
I'm sad we have to "work" tonight, but I'm happy to be spending so much time with him. Overall, it's just been a really great day. I can't wait to pick him up and head to Brimfield. I think I'll grab him some dinner on my way home.

So things are slowly getting better. I haven't been feeling hideously awful lately, and I'm not crazy emotional like I have been either, which is good. I couldn't deal with it for a while. I was just so CRAZED. All these emotions flying all over the place - I just couldn't deal with anything. I felt so weak. The pain's gotten less too, so I'm able to do m ore. My boss wrote me back and I'm going back to work tomorrow, so I'm hoping everything stays regular. Last night was hard though. (Well this morning technically.) I was up at about 6am with horrible cramping. Luckily I don't think i bugged Jared too much when I got up to go downstairs. I always feel bad when I wake him up. Anyway, I grabbed my pills and downed a big glass of water with one. These tend to make me a little dizzy, so I ended up falling right back to sleep, thank goodness. I felt like crap.
This morning when I woke up, Jared was making these 'sad sounds', so I cuddled up to him. He eventually stopped, but then woke up later looking really upset. He dreamed his friend Megan got hit by a car and died. That must have felt awful. I've had dreams where him or someone else has died. (I don't tell him about those ones because they're really scary to me, and I don't want to make him upset.) I know he really misses her, and he wants to have her over for dinner with her boyfriend this Thursday. This will give me another excuse to do some cleaning, and it'll be nice to be social with people. I admit, part of me is a little jealous of her because I know how much Jared cared for her before. (In a more than friends type of way.) I've met her. She's really pretty, and she's got a good sense of humor, which I like a lot. I can see why he had a thing for her. Anyways, I trust him. He's my honey bunny. =)
I'm so glad he's been here lately. I know we fought some before when I was all crazed with hormones, but I'm glad that seems to be over. I was so happy to be hanging out with him and just laughing again. He makes me laugh like crazy all the time. I still wish we could rough house, but hey - one more week.
Speaking of one more week, we can finally make love again Saturday. Thank god, because I miss it. I miss being able to look at his eyes. This turns me on more than anything else actually. It's funny, but it's true. He has absolutely captivating eyes. They're that green that always makes me think of the fall. (Okay I'll stop being shmoopy.) Anyway, I'll be glad to make love again. I wanted him so badly this morning, but he was so sad I couldn't bring myself to put the moves on him. I just wanted him to feel better. I think he needed some space, so I stayed clear. I admit, I'm hoping we might get to fool around later though. He was looking awful handsome while laying there with his robe open. Grrrrowl. *wink*
I guess I'll go shower. I think I'll check my friends livejournal to see if she's alright, then hit the bathroom. MAN is it cold in here today!

I feel awful. I was feeling pretty terrible about going in to work for 12 today and staying until noon, and so I told my boss I had another scheduled engagement before she asked me to come in and that I could come in at 3 instead. I told Jared about it and he got mad, telling me he "wanted me at work" and brought up how this month he had to cover my ass on part of the rent. I was instantly furious. I felt like he was attacking me and I was hurt, and I wanted to tell him what a jerk he was. Instead I got real quiet and decided I shouldn't talk for a while, and then we talked on the way to the gym. I explained how I've felt like he's been so dissappointed in me lately and it's so hard to see him look at me like he did, or to make him angry. I apologized too, because I honestly feel like he had every reason to be upset with me...he was even trying to justify my case for me and to me by saying he understood why I called in for part of the day. God, he keeps trying to make things okay for me, and I keep making things more difficult for him. I feel so bad, but it's like I can't help it. I've been so overwhelmingly sad ALL the time lately. I'll be happy and doing something fun or different, and all of the sudden it's like my brain does a switch, and I'm in a bad mood. I'm crying all the time, and I just want to feel like me again. I miss silly me that dances around the house and wrestles - WITHOUT getting hurt. (That's another thing. I can't even fool around and have fun wrestling because everything seems to hurt me physically. Even walking at the gym.) I miss the me that doesn't only see my screw ups when I'm performing, and has this passion to be better all the time. Lately I feel like "oh well, I guess if I suck there's nothing I can do." Another thing? I've felt so ugly. Yesterday I couldn't find something nice to wear to sing at the duck, and it literally devastated me. ME. Devastated by not having nice clothes? I mean come on! I'm the girl who would vote to wear pajamas every day if she could, and I was ready to burst into tears because I couldn't "look pretty". I've just...every time I look in the mirror now all I see is something wrong. My make up looks stupid, or my hair, or I look down and see how swollen my stomach is and wonder how it is my boyfriend can touch me. I just...I want to feel like I can be sexy again. I want to know when I'm done getting ready to go somewhere, that all he'll want to look at when I walk down those stairs is me.
And somehow he still looks at me like I'm so beautiful. Through all of this he's been infinitely patient, and he just holds me when I'm upset and says "I love you. We'll get through this." How can he continue to be so patient? How is it I can have smeared make up and messy hair, and get STUPIDLY over emotional with him, and he just smiles at me and wants to make it better? It makes me feel like a real jerk. I just want to make it up to him. I just want things to be normal again. I know that this is 'normal' acording to the clinic, and that after what I've been through this shouldn't be a surprise. But the thing is, you always think "I'm stronger than that" or "that's so unlikely" and that you'll be that person that's just okay with everything. I guess this last week and a half has shown me how fragile I really am, and I don't like it. I don't like being this delicate about everything, and I don't like being so needy. I just wish I could do better. I wish I was strong again.